The Koan Of The Mirror
by Winter In Japan
Summary: The reflection of a man is nothing but his own light guiding him.
1. Anger

_**Koan: A story, dialogue, question, or statement, the meaning of which cannot be understood by rational thinking but may be accessible through intuition or lateral thinking.**_

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><p><em>Anger.<em>

Just Anger.

Pure and steady, pumping his heart and making his blood flow.

He _was_ anger.

He was _violence_.

His breath came out in short sighs, his gaze searched in the city for his prey. The target of his hate ran across the city, and he, the faithful chaser, followed him.

His voice sounded in the air, one single word.

"_IIIIIIZAAAYAAAAAAA!"_

And he ran.

Running, screaming, lifting, throwing, tearing, jumping, breathing, _existing _in his wildest form, Heiwajima Shizuo ended up in the top of a hill, in a temple.

Until a sudden pain of metal against his flesh stopped him.

The sky roared with his voice, in a loud scream sad as suffering itself.

His prey had escaped.

And only the black, petrified eyes of Buddha saw his defeat.

He was not anger now, but regret.

Pieces of the city lay at his feet; signs, machine pieces, oil, metal, grass, concrete, dust, blood and a knife…

Blood from his leg and sweat of his brow covered him, and his gaze turned around just to see a stone with words.

"_Light in the soul. _

_Peace in the world"_

He scoffed and lighted up a cigarette. _"We cowards only know fire", _he mumbled.

"_If it´s true, then let me know where my light is, damn it! There´s just anger and more anger and this strength stuff!"_

He complained, but only wind heard him.

Returning home, he just groaned.

"_Lies in the stone,_

_Violence in the world"_

He cleaned his wound and covered it with a bandage, still breathing through his own fire.

When he finished he looked into the mirror.

And he saw that his reflection´s eyes were _blue_.

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><p><em><strong>Sorry if this first part doesn´t make much sense. I am glad that you´ve read it.<strong>_

_**It´s just a story based in zen tales, koan and haiku; that´s why it looks so weird. **_


	2. Silence

Blue eyes met brown.

"_What the….?"_

Seethed the voice of Shizuo.

He looked deeper into the mirror, sure that his eyes were brown.

Everything was the same, his vest, his necktie, the bandage and his skin.

But his reflection _smiled._

And Shizuo went silent, afraid of starting his path down madness.

His reflection looked into his eyes, crunching down and touching the glass.

And he _spoke_. With a voice equal as his, but softer, almost in a whisper.

"_What sound makes one hand clapping?"_

Shizuo looked at his reflection, and instead of anger, he felt something freezing his body.

_Confusion._

His reflection stood up and sighed, still smiling at him.

"_You´ve asked for light. Here I am"_

"_You´re an illusion…"_

His reflection shook his head.

"_Illusions do not teach"_

Shizuo looked away and tried to make some sense out of that.

"_Do you at least have a name?"_

There was a light silence again, until the bodyguard looked into the mirror again and found his reflection looking down in deep thought.

"_Tsugaru"_

Just like his favorite song.

"_What are you going to teach me?"_

His voice was tainted in disbelief.

"_What sound makes one hand clapping?"_

Whispered Tsugaru tilting his head.

Shizuo groaned in anger and washed his hands, not looking at the mirror.

"_Water pouring, skin touching, a man growling, his breathing seething, but that´s not the answer"_

His own voice in the mirror stated simply, almost sadly, as he moved and thought about going to the doctor for some check-up of his brain.

When he finished, he looked up at the mirror.

"_That doesn´t make any sense, go away and leave me alone!"_

His reflection smiled.

"_It makes perfect sense"_

"_No it doesn´t, you´re speaking in riddles, you… freaking hallucination"_

There was no change in his reflection.

Tsugaru just stood there, not fear in his eyes, no sadness in his gestures.

And Shizuo just asked to startle his serenity.

"_What sound makes one hand clapping?"_

Tsugaru opened his arms.

And said no word.

Silence.

_Silence. _

"_You´re not an illusion"_

Shizuo understood.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading, it makes me really happy.<strong>

**The koan of the hand is one of the most famous in zen, mostly because is really weird. First time I heard it a started to move my hand expecting to hear something xD**


	3. Gate

He slept.

His room had no mirrors, so he forgot about Tsugaru.

It was easy to sleep, to not recall, to drift away.

But it was so hard to dream.

In his dream, Shizuo saw hell, with flames and demons, a place of eternal suffering, without any hope or light.

He woke up with dark circles under his eyes.

He went to the bathroom, just to see that his reflection was the same. Tsugaru greeted him, but Shizuo did not answer.

He just washed his face and looked how the man in the mirror acted like him, he was his perfect reflection, and after all, only his eyes were different.

The sound of one hand clapping broke with his voice.

"_I dreamt about hell and fire and all that ugly stuff"_

He said to his reflection.

"_I don´t get why did I dream about that…damn, as if I hadn´t enough hellish things around me with the flea in the city"_

Tsugaru looked at him, concerned, and just nodded.

"_You´re right."_

Shizuo scoffed and looked at him with a smug in his face.

"_That´s it? No riddles? No weird phrases?"_

His reflection shook his head and continued mimicking him.

"_There is no need for that now_"

"_You´re just crazy, Tsugaru"_

And with that said, the day continued simply. The work with Tom was as usual, the same sad stories, the same pathetic excuses for the same foolish debts: false trips, unexplainable sickness, mysterious directions and stories leading to nowhere.

That made Shizuo _angry_.

"_What have you to teach about that? They just keep on draggin´ their problems into my life, telling me lies instead of paying Tom-san the money…nnngggggh pissed off pissed off so pissed off!"_

He smoked from his cigarette as he looked into the brilliant surface of a building.

His reflection was smoking too, but his gaze was serene, and his gestures were composed, almost slow.

"_SO, YOU´RE GONNA TEACH ME SOMETHING OR WHAT?"_

He rose up his fist, clenching it, feeling his rage seething, wanting to crush the mirror and erase that calm reflection from the…

"_The gates of hell are opening"_

Shizuo heard that whisper clearly, and remembered the dream, the fire, and the suffering.

_Suffering_. It was all what was hell, right?

He lowered his fist and looked at his open palm.

"_Look, I get it...I just got…"_

"_And now the gates of Paradise are opening"_

Shizuo smiled softly.

"_I get today´s lesson, then…"_

"_I know. Just don´t unleash hell that much and everything will be fine"_

The soft laughter of his reflection made him look up and start walking to the place where his boss was standing up.

"_I will try, unless is Izaya, then I shall bring Hell and all its demons…"_

Tsugaru followed him, shaking his head and sighing sadly.

"_This could be paradise…"_

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><p><strong>Well. Another chapter, another koan. Thanks for your readings! And well, Reviews are highly appreciated ^^<strong>


	4. Definition

He walked almost silently through the city. Night has come and work has finished; it was time to return home.

It felt strange to look into the things just to see his reflection. It was stratling to know that there was another man there, another mind, someone so different.

But at the same time, it was so calming….

Thinking about Tsugaru and his weird lessons made him forget that he was still in Ikebukuro, somehow it eased the pain in his legs and made him wonder what had he done to get that hallucination.

No, wait, hallucinations are illusions, and illusions don´t teach, yeah, right.

"_Oi, Tsugaru…"_ He spoke when he arrived home, looking at the mirror in his bathroom.

The blue eyes inside the glass replied softly.

"_Tell me, now for real, who the hell are you?"_

Both of them took off the bow in their necks,

"_I have already told you; inner light"_

Shizuo scoffed, mocking him.

"_Pfft, that´s nonsense, there´s nothing inside me like that…I´m just a coward"_

"_Yes, you are a coward"_

"_Then why the hell are you here?!"_

"_Because that´s not the only thing you are…"_

"_What the fuck are you talking about?! Everyone says that, and you have seen that! Weren´t you the one saying that violence is the gate to hell? Well I may hate violence but hatred is violence too and….NNGGGGGGGGH YOU GOT IT, RIGHT?!"_

Tsugaru nodded, serene even when he was facing that legendary anger.

"_Your arms are not you, nor your hair, nor your anger; you are something far greater than that…"_

"_Oh come on, you sound like one of those stupid self-help guides or some stuff like that"_ He groaned.

"_What do you want?"_ Asked his reflection, frowning.

The look in his eyes made Shizuo swallow, even if there was nothing in his mouth.

"_To be…less of a jerk, to not be angry and to use this strength thing to something good"_

"_Then do it"_

"_Ha, as if was so easy"_

"_Then what are you going to do? You cannot find any light or any peace outside yourself"_

"_I WAS BORN WITH SOMETHING I DIDN´T ASK! SHUT UP!"_

"_And what if you were born without it? Would you be the same?"_

That only question silenced his roar, and somehow, made him realize that without his strength, his entire life, all his memories and the people he knew –including the goddamned flea- wouldn´t be the same.

"_OK, maybe…maybe I wouldn´t be the same without that stuff…"_

"_No doubt about it, it would be like being born without an arm or a leg…"_

"_Now, how the hell do you expect for me to get that I am more than all those things?!"_

He asked, he was getting quite the headache, and even if he could break the mirror and finish that, he wished that he could make Tsugaru shut up once and for all.

"_Because you don´t use your strength, or your arms, or your eyes all the time, they are just tools, they help to shape you, but they don´t define you"_

"_Then what defines me, damn it?!"_

"_Nothing"_

"_Then I am nothing? You know, I am tired of your riddles, I´m gonna sleep now so I can handle the headache you gave me!"_

He spoke with a mocking tone, way too pissed off to look into those startling blue eyes. He went straight to bed, and tried to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and he couldn´t close his eyes.

Thirty minutes…

An hour…

Two hours…

After three hours, he woke up; a mess of thoughts, frustration and bleached hair.

"_Hey…" _He told his sleepy figure in the mirror _"If nothing defines me, I can be whatever I want?"_

Tsugaru nodded, smiling softly.

"_I can handle that…"_

Somehow, Shizuo smiled back.

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><p>Would you believe me if I told you I get really really scared when it comes to writing more for this story?<br>Well, is the truth, assdffdffgghhjjk...

I need to thank **Akinos** for her review and her messages, in fact, I wouldn´t be here back if she hadn´t left me a review, really. Also, this goes for Algorithmic Paradox of Love and Saya... two Hachimenroppi twins who had helped me to get over my derpness and insecurity.

Well, I will write more soon. Thanks for reading~!


	5. Two

The day began even sooner than he expected, but later than he imagined.

Him but not him, the one who thought that last idea.

"_Don´t you ever sleep?"_ He asked Tsugaru.

"_If you sleep in front of a mirror, I will sleep"_

"_So you only see what can be reflected…that´s not much…"_

"_Your senpai has glasses that serve as mirrors, and the city is filled with windows and lamps, every glass gives a reflection, so I have seen the people you meet with, and I have done what you did there"_

Shizuo chuckled; then Tsugaru had fought with the flea, and somehow he had done the same: opening the gate to hell, as he would say.

"_How did you feel when you kicked the flea´s ass?" _He asked with a grin.

"_Nothing"_

"_How nothing? You fought with him…you should have felt something"_

"_My body moved, but my mind didn´t, like when you brush your teeth, there is no emotion"_

"_Damn you´re weird…"_

"_No, we are just two-and-not-two"_

Shizuo shrugged and finished his breakfast, and he got out to the street, wearing his bartender outfit, just like any other day.

Debtors, excuses, Tom being all kind, milkshake, heat, people, the buildings, lunch, people, thugs being kicked, money, the boss´ office, people, someone who loved people…

"_IIIIZAAAAAYAAAAAAAAA!"_

…and the subsequent chase.

But it was different this time; he could see that his reflection jumped in the buildings, ripped off the signal posts, sweated, growled, moved, fought just as him.

For the first time, they were the same, actions moved them both, and Shizuo wondered if that could be used for other purposes.

"_Ah, Shizu-chan is so unpredictable…"_ Said the informant, with one of those chuckles that made Shizuo´s blood boil.

"_I AM NOT YOUR TOY!"_ He ripped off one of the lamps in the side of the street. He heard his voice, and with it, an echo of it.

Tsugaru was screaming too.

"_See, I am opening the gates of hell, flea! And you´re going right through them!"_

Izaya got surprised at those words, and just evaded the object thrown at him; he ran across the streets, and guided the chase to an alley between two skyscrapers, two silver spirals that went up to the sky.

An empty place, near the police station, where his enemy could be framed easily…

"_I guess this is finally over, Shizu-chan…there´s nothing here to help you, unless you want me to scream and make you go to the jail once more"_

He didn´t know anything about the blue-eyed reflection of the blond. The one that was synchronizing with him, sharing thoughts just as they shared movements.

"_You´re an informant, right, flea?"_

"_Oh, you´ve finally gotten my profession, I will give you a cookie for that"_

"_That means you know a ton of shit, right?"_

"_Ohhh two correct assumptions in a row, your brain must be overloaded"_

"_Then tell me how was the face I had before my parents conceived me"_

The informant made a stupid gesture, and he didn´t reply.

Laughter erupted from the lips of two-but-not-two.

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><p>I have nothing interesting to say except that I´ve broken my own record of Buddhist expressions in one story.<p>

Ah, and that I love you all ^^


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